If you’ve recently been punched in the face by a man in New York City, then don’t read this article until your symptoms have abated. If you weren’t concussed before, you will be by the time you get to Shrimp Jesus. In between lies a wide spectrum of internet culture, ranging from the averagely online to deeply disturbed.
For some, this month’s internet history might as well be in Margot Robbie’s Simlish — that’s how unfamiliar you are with any online goings-on that don’t make it to the Apple News headlines you accidentally open on your iPhone. But what’s good for mental health is bad for this quiz, in which you earn points for every internet moment you recognize. The deeper you dive, the more points you earn. Add yours up at the end to find out where you fall on the chronically online scale, and see just how plugged in you were in March.
So how online were you?
0–15 POINTS: Kinda plugged in.
The TikTok ban doesn’t concern you because, weirdly, you’re a Shorts user — but even you knew better than to get mad at Dylan Mulvaney’s song. In fact, this was a really good month for you, because you got to explain Mr. Beast to your parents at Easter. Unfortunately, the holiday was ruined because they, in exchange, showed you this “amazing” Facebook photo of Shrimp Jesus.
16–30 POINTS: Above-averagely online.
JoJo Siwa’s “Karma” is already stuck in your head, despite not being officially released. If it’s not that, it’s Chris Colfer’s “Rose’s Turn,” proving you really need to find something to do with your screen time other than scroll TikTok. I’d suggest gaming, but I’d rather you be radicalized by JoJo Siwa than GamerGate.
31–44 POINTS: Irreparably internet damaged.
Between unpacking the lore of Girl Defined and watching (and paying for) every single episode of Alpha’s Love, you almost didn’t have time for creating what would become your biggest masterpiece: Yes, it’s AI Shrimp Jesus!!!
By Kate Lindsay , 2024-04-02 21:50:25
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