Like all of you, I spent the entirety of this past week shouting ENHANCE at a screenshot of MJ’s partly revealed chalkboard (hashtag Stop the Steal). Why must our girl persist in writing so small, like she’s teaching a class for ants?
At long last, we can confirm who she voted for: Peter.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone — the King of the Faithful is dead. I’m not sure that, by this point, Peter entirely remembers that The Traitors isn’t real, that the murders aren’t actually happening, that Ekin-Su (lord, not Ekin-Su) isn’t still out there in the darkness, clawing futilely at the lid of her coffin while her oxygen levels dwindle to nothing. He will call Interpol as soon as the producers give him his phone back.
A somber mood has descended over the group. “So blindingly obvious,” John mutters to himself, on the verge of rending his garments. “Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.” Politics is “child’s play” compared to this, he insists, and I can only imagine he means that Chucky routinely rampages through Parliament with a knife.
That round table was heated, sure, but Phaedra says only fire can turn coal into a diamond. (I believe Professor Kennedy Davenport published some relevant research on crystallization in the Journal of Glamazon Bitch Studies). She and Kate debrief in the turret: CT has a shield, so of the remaining capital-f Faithfuls, do they kill John or Trishelle? Kate leaves the decision in Phaedra’s hands — she’s the dead woman walking, after all.
The bell tolls for John. The traitors ultimately offed him for his eloquence, even if not for the quality of his speeches, then for their quantity. Having him hold court at another round table would only wound Phaedra more. He will be missed! Even in death, he’s contributing since the best moment in the episode comes when CT says he hopes he’ll be as “functional” as John at his age… uh, how old is John anyway? “I don’t think he’s old,” MJ — a perfect, no-notes human being — thinks aloud. “People in England just don’t get Botox.”
John, for the record, is only 61. (I was about to write that he was 61. Have I, too, started to believe that The Traitors is real?) That’s only seven years older than Sherée and ten months younger than Vicki Gunvalson, in fact! With any luck, we’ll see John, our dark-horse MVP, in Andy’s clubhouse soon.
As multiple women join in a group grooming ritual of picking schmutz off his neck, CT notes that he’s the only man left alive. It’s like he’s on a dating show! He may be joking, but I’m not. Peacock, I’m going to need to see a pilot by Q3.
By now, Phaedra might as well start swanning around the breakfast table in her Traitors robe. But even as suspicions mount against her, will the Bravo alliance ever fracture? Trishelle, taking the loss of her two closest allies hard, sets out on a last-ditch effort to win at least Sandra and MJ over to her side.
And in case there was anyone left in the castle who did not yet find Trishelle annoying, she is determined to set them straight. As CT watches, giggling from behind a column, she comes in so, so unnecessarily hot at MJ, Shereé, and Kate: “Are you guys ready to talk logic and reason … or?” If someone approached me like that, I would gladly vote against my own best interests in order to spite them. Nevertheless, MJ, in particular, is receptive to the possibility of finally banishing Phaedra. She may be loyal to her Reality Television Arts and Sciences colleagues, but she’s determined not to let a Traitor steal their collective cash. Meanwhile, Sandra and Phaedra move pieces around on a giant chessboard in what should theoretically read as a metaphor for strategic genius, but in practice, it looks more like they got Honey, I Shrunk the Kids-ed.
For today’s mission, the players are transported to a river, though I have to note we seem to be using the word “river” loosely here. They have to dig through a giant pile of dirt to find buried gold nuggets worth $150 each. They must then transport their gold across a bridge – really a series of wobbly floating platforms — over the pond, excuse me, mighty roaring river, and throw it onto a scale on the other end. They could win up to $30,000, but any gold that falls in the water is lost forever. Also hidden in all that mud is a shield. Whoever unearths it and places it in a box beside the scale is guaranteed safety from the season’s last murder. My biggest complaint about this challenge is that it doesn’t feel Traitors-y at all — there’s nothing spooky, gothic, or even particularly campy about it. We’re talking adult Bug Juice here. (I’ll need that pilot by Q4, thanks in advance.)
I’m initially not sure why they need to wear helmets and full tactical wetsuits, but I soon come to understand. The players prove to be, and I say this with the utmost affection, extremely fucking bad at this mission, flopping and slipping and screaming and face-planting all over the place. Alan cannot contain his laughter. Finally, Trishelle (who discovers moving more quickly helps with balance) and CT rise to the occasion, depositing nugget after nugget. MJ finds the shield and only barely makes it over the bridge once in order to bank it. They ultimately collect $28,350, which is much better than I’d thought they were doing, bringing the total prize pot to more than $150,000, as if that’s why anyone is watching this show.
It would be hard for Kate to defend Phaedra without incriminating herself, so she concocts a different, much more interesting strategy. This is her pitch to CT and MJ: Why not save Phaedra, whose guilt we’re all apparently convinced of, for the higher-stakes finale and roll the dice by banishing someone else in the meantime tonight? Aren’t we all convinced there must be two traitors, anyway? (Let her cook!) She floats Sandra’s name as a possible target. MJ, who I thought had clocked Kate as a Traitor for sure not too long ago, seems genuinely intrigued. I dig this gameplay.
Even Shereé, Phaedra’s friend of 30 years, can no longer ignore her doubts. If she’s not a Traitor, then who else could it be? Help her help you, Phaedra! There are only seven of them left. Shereé looks her in the eyes and asks outright if she’s a Traitor. Phaedra, normally the coolest of cucumbers, blurts: “You said what?” Sherée repeats the question. Phaedra looks away, purses her lips, and sighs (all known signs of someone very confidently and casually telling the truth) before finally summoning a “no.” I can’t imagine the editing did Phaedra any favors here, but it’s not looking good for her.
At the round table, Trishelle cites Phaedra’s silence as a major red flag, to which Phaedra responds by … not being very unsilent. Sherée prompts her yet again: Doesn’t she have anything to say? “I’m very exhausted,” Phaedra responds. “You just really get tired of fighting.” She’s done so wonderfully at acquitting herself until now, but the walls are closing in. This is how her time on The Traitors ends: not with a bang, but a whimper. Kate is so annoyed that, while she’s been hustling hard for Phaedra, her fellow Traitor apparently can’t be bothered to defend herself. And so she throws a barb Phaedra’s way when she votes for her, calling her “more selfish than skillful.”
Phaedra’s name appears on chalkboard after chalkboard. “I think you’ve been the best Traitor we’ve seen yet,” CT says, beaming at her like a human heart-eyes emoji. She can’t help but smile and nod at that, even though she votes for CT herself, if only in the name of “girl power.”
It’s official: Phaedra is unanimously banished. In the circle of truth, she calls it the “best experience ever,” which is certainly what she made this season for us. There’s rarely been a better match of personality and show. Honestly, as much as I love Parvati and Kate, Phaedra kind of was The Traitors for me — everything from here on out is just denouement. Wherever you are, Elton John, I hope you’re hard at work on a third version of “Candle in the Wind.”
That said, our girl Kate lives to fight another day — and with those seeds she’s planted against Sandra, she seems fairly well positioned and unsuspected heading into the finale.
Or does she? Channeling big-time “Just one more thing…” Columbo energy, Sandra comes over to ask her a question: What was the deal with that “selfish” comment she made to Phaedra, anyway? That was a little weird, wasn’t it?
Molly Fitzpatrick , 2024-03-01 03:00:42
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