Are You an Elite Employee?

+1 Point

TikTok flip-flop

On February 11, President Biden, who had previously banned TikTok on government phones, finally logged on. Or at least someone posted a video subjecting the 81-year-old leader of the free world to a Super Bowl–themed game of “This or That.” Since then, the account has been posting content you would pretty much expect from someone who only just joined TikTok in 2024: Dark Brandon memes and stitches with Jimmy Fallon.

UMG says TTYL

Despite TikTok being the most significant tech advancement to happen to the music industry since streaming, Universal Music Group announced on January 30 that it would be pulling its music from the platform. In an open letter, UMG said it would not be renewing its contract with the app, which allegedly proposed paying artists “a fraction of the rate that similarly situated major social platforms pay.” As of February 1, the music was gone, forcing users to jokingly substitute songs by popular artists like Drake and Taylor Swift with royalty-free music or amateur covers. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Thank God for Glee!

Franke finale

Following her August 30 arrest, former family vlogger Ruby Franke pleaded guilty to child abuse and was sentenced to up to 30 years in prison. On February 20, Franke was sentenced to consecutive one-to-15 year prison terms for each of the four counts of aggravated child abuse, not to exceed 30 years. Franke had been accused of creating a “concentration-camp-like setting” for two of her six children, all of whom appeared on the now-defunct family YouTube channel, 8Passengers, which at one point had over 2.5 million subscribers.

+2 Points

Eilish unleashes

Billie Eilish at the 2024 #PCAs:

“There’s some like… TikTokers here” pic.twitter.com/PhultTjxcy

— Pop Crave (@PopCrave) February 19, 2024

“There’s a lot of TikTokers here” — who said it first, me in Williamsburg or Billie Eilish at the People’s Choice Awards? On February 18, some creators on the app were upset to see Eilish seemingly complain about their presence. “Don’t need it,” she appears to say, according to videos posted by accounts like PopCrave. In response, a number of TikTokers who attended the awards took to the platform to defend themselves. “Babe, whoever gets invited gets invited,” Zach Weinberg, who creates content about reality TV, said in a video. “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

Why It’s a 2: Anything Eilish so much as whispers gets nominated for a Grammy, so even the unconfirmed possibility that she’s annoyed with TikTok culture carries weight. Judging by the over 4,000 comments left on a repost of the video, she’s saying something a lot of people were thinking. She is the voice of a generation, after all.

Super Bowl side-eye

Back in September, 24-year-old Swiftie Sharon Mbabazi began sharing videos of her stepdad. Thanks to Taylor Swift’s budding romance with footballer Travis Kelce, Mbabazi and her stepdad’s worlds collided, and they began updating each other while doing skin care and even going to the Eras Tour film together. That’s why, for the millions of viewers who had been tuning in, skin-care brand Cetaphil’s Super Bowl commercial looked familiar: It features a father and daughter newly bonding over what is alluded to be Taylor Swift’s appearances at football games. The concept bears an indisputable resemblance to Mbabazi’s videos, including a Black daughter and a white father and shots of the daughter doing her skin-care routine.

Mbabazi and her stepfather initially joked about the resemblance on February 9 but followed up the video with a sincere callout for Swifties to “do their thing.” The weekend of the Super Bowl, Mbabazi announced that Cetaphil had “made things right,” and the next day she was posting as an official “Cetaphil partner.” It’s not $7 million, but it’s close enough.

Why It’s a 2: It’s bad enough trying to pull some bullshit during an event as high-profile as the Super Bowl or even to mess with the wrath of TikTok. But to bring Swifties into it? That’s the ultimate own.

Cease and de-Swift

Look What You Made Me Do pic.twitter.com/kETxWamSP3

— Jack Sweeney (@Jxck_Sweeney) February 19, 2024

On February 6, the Washington Post reported that Taylor Swift’s legal team sent a cease-and-desist notice to college student Jack Sweeney, who runs the @celebrityjets and (now-deleted) @Taylorswiftjets Instagram accounts. You may recognize Sweeney from his spat with Elon Musk, and Swift’s claim follows much of the same reasoning — which should give anyone pause, but I digress. Sweeney says the letter accused him of “stalking and harassing behavior,” but in a response shared on Twitter on February 19, his legal team refutes the allegations.

“Your letter’s tone of alarm is unfounded,” it reads. “Our client’s website only provides the location of private jets using publicly available information. That information poses no threat to Ms. Swift’s safety.”

Swift’s team has yet to publicly respond, but given that Sweeney lives in Florida, I’m uneasy about what “Florida!!!” from Swift’s upcoming studio album has in store.

Why It’s a 2: A star as big as Swift should know by now that a surefire way to draw more attention to something is by acknowledging it. Yet this lawsuit threat served only to further highlight Sweeney’s work and the alleged safety risk it poses. But then again, she has to do something with the time she allegedly flew 13 minutes from St. Louis, Illinois, to St. Louis, Missouri.

+3 Points

TikTok tell-all

When we say movies are getting too long, we don’t mean Reesa Teesa’s eight-hour TikTok series. On February 13, the Atlanta creator posted the first of what would become 52 videos detailing the saga of her relationship with her now-ex-husband. Giving him the pseudonym Legion, Reesa Teesa detailed a story of deception and false identity with, finally, a dramatic reveal that included a secret twin and multiple ex-wives. To make an extremely long story short, her husband was not who he claimed to be, and now all of TikTok is determined to get the creator her happy ending — be it the trip to London that Legion promised or a Netflix series that, don’t worry, we’ve already cast. Unfortunately, the story’s spotlight means Legion himself has started sharing his side on the app and told TMZ he’s considering taking legal action. Right now, however, we have only his word on that — meaning Reesa Teesa has nothing to worry about.

Why It’s a 3: Reesa Teesa has earned tens of millions of views for her series and recognition from actresses like Danielle Pinnock, who is already throwing her hat in the ring for the eventual movie. Reesa Teesa, however, doesn’t have any Hollywood plans and told NBC News her real wish is to become a travel blogger. Neither of these address what is clearly her true calling as a detective, but I get the hesitation. Her greatest solve is already behind her.

It’s in the name

21 savage and his friends brought scratched face cards to play dice with adin ross & won over $120,000 & adin ross folds when he confronts him for cheating pic.twitter.com/p1jqrwOEIl

— FearBuck (@FearedBuck) February 2, 2024

Turns out the “21” in 21 Savage stands for 21 (2008). While the rapper wasn’t accused of card counting, he was caught on a February 1 livestream allegedly cheating in a game of cards with streamer Adin Ross. In a clip shared on Twitter, when Ross’s attention is turned, 21 Savage’s friend can be seen pointing to a specific card on the table, which he then selects, winning $250,000. Upon checking the comments, however, Ross learned 21 Savage had possibly cheated and asked to inspect his deck. While still on live, Ross found scratch marks on particular cards, including the queen that won the rapper the game. However, Ross stopped short of accusing the rapper directly, and 21 Savage himself appeared baffled at the turn of events. They agreed to just cancel the bet — which, by the way, is a lot chiller than how things worked out for Jim Sturgess, I’ll tell you that much.

Why It’s a 3: 21 Savage boasts multiple Grammy, Billboard, and BET awards, but Ross’s platform can earn him $4 million-a-month sponsorships, which suddenly makes a potential $250,000 loss a lot less newsworthy.

Hot seat

“You dated adult film star Melissa Stratton, but as soon as the news of your relationship went public you broke up with her a few days later. Despite looking cool while eating hot wings for a living, is it fair to say you’re the type of person who easily crumbles under pressure?” pic.twitter.com/FaCQCBZfbG

— Jake Tropila (@JakeTropila) February 16, 2024

A hard launch doesn’t always predict a soft landing. Hot Ones host Sean Evans and then-girlfriend Melissa Stratton, a model and camgirl, made their “public” debut over Super Bowl weekend, when Stratton documented their trip to Vegas on social media. TMZ officially broke the story on February 13, only for Evans to reportedly call it quits with Stratton the next day. “Don’t try to date a 🌽⭐️ if you actually hate 🌽 …” Stratton tweeted on February 15, which in English translates to: He wasn’t comfortable dating a porn star. Sean, my guy, I thought you liked a little spice.

Why It’s a 3: Sure, it’s people eating chicken, but with millions of views, Hot Ones may be the closest thing we have to “thriving journalism” right now. Next episode, it’s Evans’s turn to answer some tough questions.

+4 Points

Drop the (dead)beat

In this “Who TF Did I Marry?” spinoff I’ve titled “Who TF Was I Born To?” comedian Madi Hart tells the story of her “funny trauma.” In a February 13 video that has gotten over 7 million TikTok views, she details how her father left her family when she was 5 years old to become the world’s oldest actively competing breakdancer. While Hart captioned the video with an earnest plea not to find and bully her father, he unfortunately has “world’s oldest actively competing breakdancer” in his bio and made enough breakdancing media appearances that viewers started infiltrating his social media to call him a deadbeat father. On February 18, he posted a ten-minute response video on Twitter, at least one minute of which he spends breakdancing. He refutes her claims that he did not pay her medical bills and contextualizes that he did not leave the family to breakdance but left the family and then started breakdancing, got it? Hart then goes on to refute his claims, and now I’m considering starting my own TikTok series: “Why TF Do I Know This?”

Why It’s a 4: While her father’s response video received an additional 32 million views on Twitter, it got Elon Musk somehow championing him as some kind of anti-woke warrior, so he doesn’t need any more attention than that.

Rachel returns (not Leviss)

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A post shared by Nkechi Diallo (@racheladolezal)

(1) Rachel Dolezal (2) losing her teaching job after it was revealed that she (3) has an OnlyFans are three individual items already wild to hear about in 2024. But all together? This is the trifecta of niche internet news. On February 13, KVOA News 4 Tucson reported that the activist, who first went viral in 2014 for purporting to be a Black woman for personal gain, had been an after-school teacher at the Catalina Foothills School District under the name Nkechi Diallo. However, her public Instagram profile uses both names — and links out to her OnlyFans in her bio. Julie Farbarik, the school district’s director of alumni and community relations, told the outlet that Dolezal’s OnlyFans posts violated the school’s employee social-media and ethics policies. I guess the ethics around Dolezal’s previous behavior weren’t as clear-cut.

Why It’s a Four: Judging by the engagement on her OnlyFans posts, Dolezal is doing just fine on her own. If the loss of her teaching job was a setback, she certainly didn’t share it on Instagram, where she still regularly posts about her life and family. Can’t wait to hear about her again in another decade for another bizarre and unexpected life event!

PopCrave stuns

On February 20, the plot of Gossip Girl came to light after the poster behind the popular PopCrave Twitter account was “unmasked” at the People’s Choice Awards. Despite many articles and interviews explaining that the pop-culture news account was created by journalism student Will Cosme and now operates as a team of six, it was much more fun to believe the real genius behind the account was Wilnette Ortega, the woman in the video and the company’s chief operating officer and host. For Gen Z, however, this was their Deep Throat, and we asked Ortega to tell us what it was like to be at the center of this viral moment.

Why It’s a 4: While PopCrave boasts almost 2 million followers on Twitter, it was surprising to see the moment take off on platforms like TikTok, where its following sits at a modest 23,000. If anything, this proves the IYKYK internet-famous company is just at the beginning of its empire. If this is the beginning, I can only imagine what the eventual domination will feel like.

+5 Points

Mugged off

Australian ceramics artist Shelby Sherritt, who has almost 2 million followers on TikTok, stitched a December 2023 video from influencer Sopha Dopha, who shared her experience buying one of Sherritt’s mugs at a market. In the video, Dopha does not name Sherritt, nor does she necessarily slam her business; she only remarks that she was surprised by the $125 price tag. In the stitch, however, Sherritt defends the price of her ceramics and seems to accuse Dopha of belittling a small business. While Sherritt’s video was deleted not long after, the debate turned into one of those deep niche rabbit holes that users can’t help but weigh in on, with most concluding Dopha didn’t actually do anything wrong — except forget that there’s no drama too small for a small business to wade into online.

Why It’s a 5: There’s no reason a minor pricing dispute involving an Australian ceramics artist should have its own Know Your Meme page, but as Stephen Chbosky wrote, we accept the memes we think we deserve.

Kitty konspiracy

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A post shared by Khloé Kardashian (@khloekardashian)

On Valentine’s Day, Khloé Kardashian made sure to celebrate her human loves as well as her feline ones. But when she included a photo of her cat, Grey Kitty, in her celebratory Instagram carousel, the Kardashians sub-Reddit smelled a rat. Something about the cat’s features, smooth and seemingly whiskerless, created a hot debate about whether the Kardashian sister, who has previously been called out for Photoshopping her pictures, couldn’t resist using a little Facetune on the cat before posting her on main. Commenters on the thread are evenly divided, with some claiming that’s just how Russian blues look and others claiming to have found inconsistencies in the graining on the hardwood floor. If everything’s Photoshopped on the Kardashians’ account, then isn’t it kind of like nothing is?

Why It’s a 5: The drama made its way from Reddit to TikTok, and while the Kardashians are America’s first family, this is a 5 because you people are zooming in on the hardwood floor behind a cat when you could be doing anything else with your one wild and precious life.

So how online were you?

0–15 POINTS: Kinda plugged in.
This is the first you’ve learned President Biden wasn’t on TikTok, leaving you wondering which old man you’ve been watching instead. The UMG TikTok dispute suits you just fine because you’ve always preferred “Raise Your Glass” (Glee: The Music presents the Warblers version) anyways (and, unfortunately, you’d be right). You’ve heard of the “Who TF Did I Marry?” series but are waiting for it to come to Netflix.

16–30 POINTS: Above-averagely online. 
While you similarly didn’t have eight hours to spare, you already know everything you need to know about Reesa Teesa thanks to this in-depth recap. While you are on team “Don’t Track Taylor’s Private Jet,” you staunchly believe Khloé Karadashian Facetuned her cat.

31–44 POINTS: Irreparably internet damaged.
Yes, you watched the full eight hours; yes, you’ve seen every take on Strawberry Mug Gate; and you immediately knew that Cetaphil ad was a ripoff. But did you know PopCrave was run by more than just one person? Okay, yes. Damn, what do you do? Write an internet column where you document all this in detail every month??