There are several conversations of consequence in this week’s episode that I want to get to, but I decided we should start this recap the same way that Brock likes to make love: by starting from the back and working slowly forward. There’s a conversation with the whole gang that happens at the very end of the episode that seems small, almost inconsequential, but I think it illustrates what the show has become and the difficulties there will be for the rest of the season.
The conversation is when everyone, including Tom Sandoval, is at See You Next Tuesday, and Tom Schwartz starts inviting people to go to Wolf by Vanderpump, which is either the restaurant she’s opening up in Lake Tahoe or a new scent she’s marketing made entirely out of the anal gland excretions that are pressed out of pooches at Vanderpump Dogs. He starts with DJ James Kennedy, who is rocking it for the DJ booth, and he tells him that Lisa invited them all to the restaurant and he’s going to bring everyone, including Sandoval. James says that he doesn’t want to live in his anger anymore, and even though he doesn’t know about Sandoval, he’s ready to start moving on.
Then he approaches the whole group, minus Sandoval, sitting outside. He tells the group about the invite, and Katie Maloney Schwartz Maloney points at her and Ariana and asks, “You’re inviting … us?” Her tone is incredulous, but not in a reality television way that is performative, but in a way that she can’t believe is happening — like this invitation is foreign to her and makes no sense whatsoever. He tells them that he’s inviting everyone, including “You know who,” and he thinks it wouldn’t be so bad because Tom and Ariana live in the same house, so it’s not like they aren’t seeing each other. Ariana explains that passing each other in the hallway while Ann covers Sandoval in a blanket so that Ariana can pretend like he’s not there is very different from going on a Lake Tahoe getaway with the man who ruined their old life and catapulted her into a new, much better one.
This turns into a referendum on whether or not Schwartz should remain friends with Sandoval, with Lala chiming in that one day Schwartz will look back and be upset that he forgave Sandoval, and Ariana telling him that Sandoval will not be allowed back in the group. This isn’t going to be the chink in the group’s armor that allows him back into the fold. Katie has also warned Scheana about the same thing, not forgiving Sandoval and then trying to make him part of the gang again. Ariana finally tells Schwartz, “I gave up on you a long time ago, and my life has been better for it.”
Finally, Schwartz tells Ariana, “Don’t speak on behalf of the group. You’re not the queen of the group.” Oh, Schwartzy, but she is! I think one of the aspects of Scandoval that we’re not paying as much attention to as we should is the economic aspect of it. Yes, what Sandoval did was horrible, and he shouldn’t be easily forgiven, but there is the real reason that Katie, Lala, Scheana, and the rest won’t forgive him. That has as much to do with their wallets as their hearts.
Right now, Ariana is the queen of the group. She’s on Dancing with the Stars; she’s on Broadway; she’s turning “Good As Gold” into the Uber Eats commercial it always wanted to be. Being on Ariana’s side is not only right, but it’s also profitable. Why would Katie not side with Ariana when Something About Her is printing money in merchandise before it even opens its doors? Why would Scheana not want her to be at Emo Nite when Ariana is why they want her there in the first place? (Well, the hot guitarist might also want to fuck Katie, but that is for another recap.)
Ariana’s stance on Sandoval, while totally correct, may not make sense for her in the long run. The reason she became sainted after Scandoval is that Ariana was always the nice one; she was the one that fans loved. No matter how mean Katie and the Witches of WeHo were to the new girls, Ariana was always there to befriend Lala or Raquel. And … who was that girl they tried to thrust on us? Dayna? Yes! Her too. Ariana was the one who wanted everyone to get along, and that is what made her the fan favorite. When Tom cheated on Kristen, no one cared because she was just as horrible as him. Here, he cheated on the only nice one. Now we see Ariana being not so nice; she’s the one keeping the group apart, keeping everyone divided. I’m not saying she’s wrong, but it’s a different position for her, and it’s unclear how fans will receive her new role.
What was so interesting to me about Schwartz and his request is that this show is sagging under the weight of its own creation. Here is a reality show construction — a cast trip that everyone has to go on to promote Lisa Vanderpump’s new restaurant — that no longer works. Lisa can’t ask any of the girls to propose a trip because she is emotionally and economically linked to Tom and Tom. And if she asked them, they wouldn’t invite any of the boys but James and maybe Brock, but only if he promised to wear his budgie smugglers. And if she asks Sandoval to “invite” everyone, no one is going to go, but there is the same problem with Schwartz as we see in this scene.
This shows the limits of what we can expect from our reality show. Yes, in real life Ariana and Tom would never talk again, see each other, or live in the same house with Ann as their mutual captive. But they’re on a show. It’s part of their contracts to go on these trips, fight about silly things, and make Lisa Vanderpump even more money so that she can afford the 57 sorcerers it takes to keep Ken Todd’s soul in corporeal form.
But that is not going to happen. Does that mean we don’t have a show? Does that mean the show has to evolve into something new that can’t possibly be held in its old container? I don’t know, but the one thing I can tell you is that this situation is untenable.
Reality shows, in essence, are conservative. They want to stay the same; they want episodes to play out in the same way, and they want there to be a ritual, like watching one episode is like watching any other. Scandoval broke that mold, but Lisa Vanderpump, the producer, can’t keep up with it. She’s still trying to right the good ship Vanderpump and failing miserably. (I’ve always said the show is at its best when Lisa is at her least meddlesome.)
Sandoval goes by the rotted carcass of a gay bar called Pump so that Lisa Vanderpump can figure out how to make him likable and integrate with the group enough so that she can keep making money off him with Tom Tom. First, she tries to get Tom out of the house he’s sharing with Ariana. But he says it is a great house and doesn’t want to give it up. Sister, you can’t swing a “Send It to Darrel” sweatshirt in Valley Village without hitting a million identical “modern farmhouses.” Just sell it and get out of there — both of you.
Tom launches into a series of grievances about how Scheana reached out to him about his friend Ali’s death but that she was dragging his name on her podcast on the same day. He brings up an interview Scheana did with some guy named Captain Nemo who was having sex with Raquel. Sorry, but I never got to the bottom of TikTok to see those clips. He also tells Lisa that everyone is kicking him when he’s down and taking advantage.
Lisa tells him that he needs to apologize to everyone, to come at them with remorse, and make them see that he’s sorry for what he did. Scheana lays out the same course of action later in the episode. Tom can’t see what they’re saying in either case. It’s so rare when people tell you exactly what you want to do; why can’t Tom just do it?
He says he’s apologized, and his friends say he doesn’t mean it. That’s because Tom keeps saying, “I’m sorry, but…” An apology should be like a clean ashtray, no butts at all. Instead of considering it an apology, think of it as a meal. Tom invited everyone over for dinner and gave them each one peanut M&M, so everyone was sitting around the table absolutely starving. They keep asking for food, and Tom keeps shouting, “But I fed you! What more do you want?” I don’t know, maybe at least an appetizer. Give me the shrimp cocktail of apologies, and then I’ll stay through the main course, which is a T-bone steak of apologies. Then I will sit through dessert, which is Choco Tacos made out of apologies but also ice cream because this is dessert.
While I would like to think that Lisa’s motives are entirely altruistic, they are also economic. She backed the wrong horse, moneywise, and now she needs to make it all right with the group so that Sandoval can have enough redemption that doesn’t ruin her bar and her reality television platform.
The pattern we see with Tom and Lisa is the same one we’ve seen with Tom throughout. He accuses Lisa of “attacking” him when she asks difficult questions and asks him to take responsibility. Tom’s problem is that the online hatred has been so fierce that he thinks they are the cleansing fires of purgatory. Tom thinks he should be forgiven because he’s suffered so much. But he doesn’t realize that he is the one who engineered his own suffering, and also, there are plenty of other people in the group still suffering. He’s the only one who can end it, but he’s still passing out apology M&Ms when he needs to be doing a lot more.
We see the same pattern when he meets Scheana in the SUR alley, a future UNESCO World Heritage Site. Scheana tells him that if he had been apologetic and remorseful from the get-go, it could have been different. Instead, he was talking about Ariana’s T-shirt and the batteries and pens or whatever weak excuses he came up with to deflect the attention away from himself. He is then so stupid to say he wants to see Ariana because at least she isn’t openly hostile to him. (“No one wants to see that happen, Tom,” is Scheana’s perfect response.) Duh, Tom, of course, these people are being openly hostile toward you; not only did you hurt them all by betraying their trust, but you also haven’t sufficiently atoned for what you did to every one of them.
The thing about apologies that Sandoval doesn’t understand (and we see this a lot on Bravo) is that an apology isn’t sufficient when the apologizer thinks it is. It is over when the person they are apologizing to forgives them, sees some change in them, sees that they really regret what happened and won’t do it again. Though Tom’s mustache is gone, the worm is not, until he realizes that he will continue to be ostracized with Kyle Chan, Billie Lee, and the other opportunists who will do anything for a sliver of Bravo attention.
Meanwhile, back in his house in Valley Village, St. Ann sits at the giant kitchen island staring into her iPad, which is propped up on a stand with a keyboard in front of it. She’s reviewing Tom’s email and he keeps getting GCal invitations. “You have been invited on CAST TRIP.” “You have been uninvited on CAST TRIP.” “You have been invited on CAST TRIP.” It keeps going back and forth, a flood of them. She watches the inbox number increase first by a few, then by dozens. She opens one email and is faced with two boxes, “Accept All” and “Reject All.” Ann closes her eyes and moves the mouse back and forth between the two, back and forth, back and forth, very fast until she finally stops the mouse and, with one decisive swipe, finally selects a box.
Brian Moylan , 2024-02-14 02:00:35
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