If you come for the Berg, you best not miss. Although they could’ve avoided the risk of wasting a murder by choosing someone who definitely didn’t have immunity, the other traitors caved to Dan’s will and targeted Bergie … who strolls into breakfast very alive and proudly brandishing his shield. This botched execution does not help Dan’s standing with Parvati and especially not with Phaedra, who loves Bergie — though, then again, she acknowledges that “everyone’s gotta die.” (This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, but I’m not convinced — I personally am still enjoying a perfect record of remaining alive. Editors, if necessary, please update this recap upon my demise.)
Peter correctly intuits, based on their respective reactions to Bergie’s appearance, that two of the three players he intentionally leaked bad intel to are traitors: Dan and Parvati squirmed, whereas CT simply carried on vibing. Parvati declares it is Opposite Day and as damage control tries to convince Peter that it is he who must prove to her that he’s not a traitor, no backsies. To plead his own case, Dan tries a different flavor of emotional manipulation, assuring Peter he’s “not mad” at him over his suspicions. He totally gets it, good buddy, old pal! But Peter is unfazed by either of them. He won’t back down.
Alan, looking as spectacular in cobalt blue as one of those old-timey apothecary poison bottles, explains today’s $20,000 mission. The players have to fire a cannonball from a catapult — only they must first collect all the heavy components of the catapult from around the grounds, carry them up a hill (returning to the scene of the crime where Kate flung away prize money last season) to the launch site, then put the damn thing together. Players who find an ammo box along the way can compete for a shield once the mission is completed.
After crossing a rushing river that genuinely had me concerned for Sandra’s welfare for a minute, the players set about the exhausting project of lugging around ballast bags, stabilizers, and other apparently vital catapult parts that I have never heard of but refuse to Google. Kate, who would prefer “comfort and leisure” to being obligated to participate in this challenge, thank you very much, reluctantly agrees to carry a small — like, free-with-subscription New Yorker tote-sized — bag of rocks while the rest of the cast lives out a mini version of that Tom Sandoval vicarious collective torture show where JoJo Siwa had to carry him, a clip that — despite my failing to remember the name of the actual series — will be the last thing that plays in my mind when I die. (If I die.)
Trishelle, Shereé, Peter, Sandra, and Parvati (making at least a vague gesture at behaving like a faithful would) manage to grab ammo boxes. Kate has a last-minute opportunity to steal Peter’s but decides not to because, ew, “desperate.”
After they assemble the catapult, John is tapped to do the honors and sends the cannonball flying in what I am certain was one of the top 10 moments of his life. The players with ammo boxes then take their own shots, and whoever catapults their cannonball closest to the bullseye of a target wins protection. Peter, who would most clearly benefit from getting the shield, totally eats it with the very worst ball of anyone. Shereé wins.
By this point, of all the faithful in the castle, only Kevin seems not 100 percent sold on Dan being a traitor — which perhaps should be the most compelling evidence of all that Dan is a traitor. But Parvati’s name is mud, too. Having all but resigned himself to getting axed tonight, Peter asks her if his murder can be “painless,” to her great annoyance, and closes the door when she tries to join a conversation with him and his closest allies, to her even greater annoyance. She complains in her confessional about his “moral crusade” and “holier than thou act.” Which … I don’t know, babe. Do I have a head injury, or is it possible that I’m actually liking Peter’s gameplay more than Parvati’s right now? I love this woman to death (shoutout to whoever at the bar trivia I went to last night chose “Parvati’s Headband” as their team name), but I think she’s just annoyed to have lost the upper hand. I would be, too — especially if the engine of my demise were a Bachelor, an alum of a show on which the primary strategic decision to make is how many of the women you escort to your weird Disney-ABC Mandated Sex Hotel Room you will ultimately proclaim your love to on national television. (And yet, somehow, they all are so bad at even that.)
Meanwhile, we don’t see much of Phaedra, who is probably luxuriously eating a boiled egg off-camera somewhere, unbothered. At least unbothered for now.
At the round table, Dan is finally, finally — it’s been 84 years, etc. — ready to name names. Or at least to name one name. He explains that he’s been carefully Mindhunting since day one and that his observations point to one possible suspect. As I think we all predicted, he elects to betray an actual fellow traitor.
Now, Dan could have gone for Parvati, who’s already flailing in the face of persistent, compelling accusations from Peter. But instead, he decides to shoot the moon: He’s coming for Phaedra instead.
Dan cites three reasons why he suspects her, managing to also throw Parvati halfway under the bus in the process: Phaedra has never had her name written down at the round table (although the same goes for Bergie, Shereé, Sandra, and Parvati), she never explained her “weird vote” against Ekin-Su (lord, not Ekin-Su), and then there’s the matter of her “breakfast murder reactions” — a phrase that would, not for nothing, make a solid album title.
This, friends, is when the wheels come off. And I have to be honest: Watching Dan’s strategy backfire so catastrophically is a real treat.
He elaborates on exactly which breakfast-table reactions he found so troubling: Phaedra was … sympathetic to Larsa when her boyfriend died? Worried about the other Housewives when Tamra went? Concerned for the welfare of her “Bergalicious?”
Presenting these moments as grounds for suspicion is utterly baffling to me — and I’m clearly not alone. ”Consoling Larsa was problematic for you?” Kate asks him pointedly. “What’s the logic behind that?”
For her part, Phaedra could not possibly have parried this attack more effectively or more elegantly. “If there was really a mastermind, it sure wouldn’t be a dolled-up Housewife, baby,” she says, and I love that misdirect — if people insist on underestimating you, you may as well weaponize those false perceptions against them. Parvati, who looked preemptively disgusted the second Dan began to speak, now seems delighted and like she’s about to mysteriously produce a bucket of popcorn from under the table.
“Banishment, my dear friend, should be your fate tonight,” proclaims John, like a Daily Mail headline made flesh. “This guy is the silent slaughterer.”
Almost everyone writes down Dan’s name, except (duh) Dan, who goes for (duh) Phaedra, and Peter, who goes for Parvati — he’s confident they have enough votes to out Dan, he says, and if it’s indeed his last night, then he wants people to remember she’s a suspect, too. It took them long enough, but I’m proud that our little gang of junior detectives has gone from casting zero votes for traitors to casting zero votes for faithful, even if only in this episode.
At long last, a traitor has been felled. Dan is a good sport, telling everybody to “have fun!” (I feel like there’s some kind of chemical pumped into the round table room that leads everyone to briefly forget that this is just a game — you’re the biggest fucking traitor here, etc. — so the sanity of that sentiment is kind of refreshing) and acknowledging with a smile in his last confessional that Phaedra “shredded” him, which, yeah, pretty much.
But Dan’s campaign against Phaedra does at least some damage to her reputation. Even if everyone else is too busy celebrating to care, Trishelle notes that it would make sense for Dan to have tried to give up a fellow traitor in that situation. As far as John is concerned, however, no human being has ever been more innocent in all of recorded history. “The way you carry yourself is something else,” he tells Phaedra besottedly, approximately ten seconds from activating full awooga wolf mode (in a sweet way?).
“If I weren’t a Christian woman, I would rip his heart out,” Phaedra tells Parvati of Dan up in the turret, putting so much spice on the word “rip” that I’m inclined to believe her. Tonight, they can either choose to murder someone or invite a faithful to join them as a replacement traitor — an offer that the faithful may very well decline.
Parvati knows there’s a target branded on her back. If she has any hope of surviving, her best bet is to shake up the game as much as possible. And what would shake up the game more than corrupting her enemy, “bloodhound” Peter, the most faithful faithful of all? Plus, it would be fun to “watch him murder his friends,” Parvati says, and both women giggle.
Molly Fitzpatrick , 2024-02-02 03:00:18
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