You know how sometimes, when you’re watching the beginning of a thriller or a horror movie before people start dropping like flies, you can’t relax because you are afraid something terrible is going to happen to the characters you like the most? That is exactly how I feel watching West and Ciara, a.k.a. Wiara. I love them so much; I ship them so hard that the idea of them not making it melts me like a Cookie Puss left out on the counter overnight. Now, as they’re getting further into their prolonged flirtation, I’m biting the nails on every single finger back and forth, back and forth, like I’m an anxious cat in a Looney Tunes cartoon. These kids really need to make it.
The episode begins with West driving Ciara and Paige out to the house and asking Paige when Ciara started missing him the previous weekend when he was at a wedding. Paige tells him that it started on Friday, as soon as he wasn’t there. Aw, these two. They’re so adorable. What about when they’re lying in bed trying to say the same word at the same time like on TikTok? Or what about when they’re at the alien party, and West is like, “Where have you been my literal entire life?” Or what about the deal they made to sleep in West’s bed for a change? I mean, it’s all so wonderful and adorable, and I can’t stop thinking about it. If these two don’t work and have the world’s most attractive babies, I will no longer believe love is possible. No pressure.
But, guys, I’m worried. I think there are two big problems. One is that, because of this set up, everyone is all up in their business. Lindsay is at the club asking West if he thinks it will go past the summer. Ciara’s manager Derek is like “What are your intentions with my girl?” Paige and Amanda are talking about West to Ciara as he’s trying to sneak into their room as an alien and scare them. (OMG, have the Bed Sore Sisters ever been happier than when they camouflaged themselves as the duvet?) I just think all of this scrutiny is giving this chill, slow-moving thing a lot of unnecessary importance and freaking them both out.
The convo between Paige, Amanda, and Ciara was about West’s other big concern: that they haven’t boned yet, and they’re six weeks into this non-fling. Okay, this is a hard one for me because I see both sides of this equation. As a loud and proud slut, I was not hanging around with anyone after a few dates if they weren’t putting out. However, my husband made me wait until date four, and that’s how he trapped me, so maybe Ciara is on to something. However, Ciara is not just any girl. Look at her. She’s gorgeous, she’s fun, and she slays with a theme party costume like her alien head on top of a leotard at the alien-themed night party the cast throws. This is a woman worth waiting for, and if she tells you she’s not ready, you say, “Sorry, your highness. Take your time.”
Ciara tells the girls that she needs to know how West feels about her before she has sex with him. But I wonder how far West is getting. Are they doing hand stuff? Mouth stuff? Is she conceding a little bit to keep him around? I mean, I don’t really need to know that, but I am nosy, and I want to hear about West’s sex life. I am not an introvert or an extrovert; I am a pervert.
Even as a slut, I agree with what Ciara says in her confessional that people are often willing to hop into the sack but aren’t willing to talk about their emotions. I think she needs to tell West this because I think his emotions are in the right place. He seems very clearly into her, but is worried that with her modeling contract, she’s going to be leaving a lot, so he doesn’t want to tie her down. If she were to ask, I think he would tell her what she wants to hear, but, of course, any straight dude is going to tell Ciara what she wants to hear to try to get her in bed. I mean, I would even do that, and I’m gayer than Liza Minnelli’s makeup drawer.
Yes, I love sluts, and if I were born a straight woman, I would be giving it away to every man who asks. Danielle isn’t that slutty, but I love that she is in a promiscuous phase, not taking any flack from anyone about it and doing herself (and others!) loud and proud. Not only did she hook up the night before going to the Hamptons, she met some hot-ass dudes at the club and invited them to the party the next day. And then Joe the Balloon Guy comes along. Oh, Jeezy, my neezy. If Bravo is going to keep putting these hot-ass randos on our screen, they’re going to need to start dropping some Insta tags because I need all the shirtless balloon pictures I can find.
I actually peeped him at the last party when he was setting up balloons. Lindsay did, too, and befriended him enough that they invited him to do more balloons for the alien party and wanted to introduce him to Danielle and Gabby. He comes over to set up the party and Lindsay introduces him to Danielle, who says “Hi” in her scroungy outfit wearing a tin-foil hat looking like a fool who just work up in someone else’s tent at a music festival. Lindsay calls over Gabby, but she doesn’t come because she’s not looking hot enough. “If we’re going to tell people years from now our first meeting, it’s not going to be that I met him sweaty, exhausted, and setting up for a party,” she says in confessional.
This perfectly illustrates the different ways Danielle and Gabby roll. Danielle is just herself; she shows that she can hang out and likes a good time. As soon as Joe shows up at the party, she is on him like mayo on a lobster roll. She’s going for it hard and letting her presence be known. Gabby is the kind of girl who would have watched Sex and the City and ordered that book The Rules. She needs to be perfect for the man. She needs them to chase her. She needs to see their credit score before she goes out on a third date.
I’m not saying one of these is right, or one of these is wrong, but if someone lands a hot tradesman at a party for a one-night stand, it will be Danielle. But I don’t think Gabby wants that. Gabby says, “What’s not going to happen is me versus Danielle for a dude who blows up balloons as a hobby.” Well, he does it for a living, but still. Point taken. This is not a guy that Gabby would ever take seriously for marriage, and it seems like that is what she is out for. Gabby wants to land a dude. She does not want to play around. She does not want a bit of rough in an inflatable UFO in the backyard. Danielle, on the other hand, would like nothing more. Neither one is right nor wrong, but I don’t think Gabby can get upset that Danielle swooped in when she has a much different approach. Gabby is gorgeous, funny, and can’t flip over a couch without crashing to the floor. Some guy is going to pursue her just the way she wants, but it’s going to take more time.
Danielle is having more trouble in her relationship with Paige. When they’re out at the bar, Paige, Danielle, and Kyle break away for a little chat about Craig, the pillow entrepreneur that Paige is trying to introduce into polite society. When Kyle asks about the status of their relationship, Paige says she knows she’s going to marry the guy, but she’s going to do it on her own timeline. I respect that, but I also agree with Danielle; she’s not giving Craig anything. Based on what we see on the shows, it seems like she’s not really willing to compromise to make their relationship work. But, like Ciara, Paige is the kind of girl that you work for and you wait for and Craig seems to be totally into that.
The pattern I didn’t recognize until Paige pointed it out is that Danielle always has opinions on how everyone else is living but doesn’t want people to comment on her life. Actually, and I don’t mean this to be shady, most people on the show don’t seem to care that much about what Danielle has going on, possibly because she’s always talking about other people. When they’re at the alien party, Paige tells Amanda, “On paper, [Danielle has] no job, no boyfriend. I have a job and a boyfriend, so I don’t know what you’re telling me I should change in my life.” Okay, the job part is debatable, but yeah, I totally get that. It seems like this is going to come to a head next week, so I can’t wait to see that blow up.
There wasn’t much Kyle and Amanda drama this week, for a change, but I loved seeing Amanda let out her fun side and stay out with Kyle until 3 a.m. He says that she did it for him, and this is the kind of compromise I want from these two. Amanda did it for Kyle, she didn’t complain about it, Kyle was grateful, and now she can check off going out from her list of summer duties. Now, can we get Kyle to stay in and binge Married at First Sight Australia next weekend with Amanda? I doubt it, but let’s see.
The episode ends with another couple: Carl and Lindsay. Oh, Larl. We already know how this ends, but it’s still not easy to watch. (What is easy to watch is Carl with his hair painted grey in an astronaut suit, like some kind of Race Bannon in space situation.) He approaches her about joining Loverboy as a spokesman for their alcohol-free line. She’s not as mad about it as he thought she would be, but she tells him that what really gets her going is a man out there “crushing life.” Carl asks if he is crushing life. Lindsay says no. Man, it was hard to hear, but this is just more evidence that they are a mismatch. Just like West and Ciara and Danielle and Gabby, these two are both looking for very different things. Neither is right and neither is wrong but, man, they don’t need to be together.
So as the spotlight comes down on the party and everyone pretends like they’re being abducted by aliens, Carl imagines it too. He’s getting sucked up; he’s weightless in the air, and he’s ascending to a higher purpose. That’s all he’s wanted the past few years: something to live for and something to set him apart. He can’t find what it is but he now knows he won’t grasp it by running after it on a Barry’s Bootcamp treadmill. “This is it!” he thinks excitedly, hoping the aliens have solved all of their problems. But then the light switches off, and he’s back on Earth, facing his girlfriend in a terribly Party City wig, wishing that one of the stars about him would share its centuries-old secret.
Brian Moylan , 2024-04-19 04:00:00
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